The final instalment by Na

Falakata: One thing Paddy did miss out of his blog was the way in which the fur ballers were informed of Na’s collapse; a young lad with very good English poked his head around the corner and announced ‘Sir, I think your friend is in an extreme situation!’ This was pure comedy on looking back, although at the time was slightly worrying…. Na doesn’t remember an awful lot. The Hotel manager was very concerned and kept asking after the furbelles’ health, MTFU pills were taken and the manager reassured.

After rations, a good nights sleep and some serious rehydration therapy sessions, the furballs left for Guwahathi.

The girls were at rock bottom (only not rock, more liquidy) the boys apart from Paddy were joining in with the vacuum packing action and commenced their own weight loss programmes. The drive was emotional to say the least.

The three Rickshaws stopped every 30-40 minutes for what became known as ‘bum-wees’, and to fix Tigers exhaust on for the last time; a splendid modification which we should have applied in the beginning. Paddy and Gareth used the fix as an excuse to roll around on the floor together, spooning and straddling each other, sweating and covered in engine oil. They used a modified gay mechanic technique to bind the exhaust body to the chassis with wire and bungees- it lasted till the end!

Simba, Leo and Tiger arrived in Guwahati after a long day on the road.

Guwahati: The next morning; rumours of the final 80km of road ahead were mixed. The gist of it was, don’t what ever you do, dive at night, it will take 3-4hours, and is quite dangerous due to the winding climbing hairpin scattered road, it is full of trucks.

Dickie was worried about Na, if the next 80km was really this bad, would they even make it to their destination that night?

The call was made to visit a doctor. The doctor who was 2 minutes from the hotel called for hospitalisation as Na was too far-gone to do any more travelling.

The Hospitalisation coincided nicely with the Prime Ministers visit to Guwahati, roads were closed off and the remaining furballers decided to have a lazy morning in the hotel awaiting the Doctors decision on Na before battling their way out of the locked down city. This gave them more opportunity to argue fruitlessly with the hotels waiters, which had become a sort of sport.

Meanwhile in the hospital Na was transferred to her own room; it was somewhat basic, a wood slat bed and foam mattress, blood spattered tiled walls and a sit on loo (luxury).

The hotel porter arrived with a large box of medicines he had picked up from a pharmacy on the Docs prescription, then nurses set to work. Everything was reasonably clean from here on in, sealed venflons and IV tubing, all of the medicines and fluids were also sealed which was a bonus. After 2.5 litres of fluid and a sh*t load of antibiotics over the next 9 hours, Na’s ‘vac –pack’ look filled out and she resembled something between the original Na and that of one with anorexia and a nasty heroin addiction. A healthy compromise they thought.

The Lions had headed off around 2pm, this meant they would hopefully arrive at the final destination in the light. Tiger spent another night in the Guwahati compound.

Guwahati/Shillong: With no word from the other furballers (there was no signal or internet) Tiger headed out with Na driving for the first time in 3 days. The roads were surprisingly good and very beautiful.

The whole road was under construction in the majority of places but a stroke of genius had maintained the original road, therefore allowing traffic to travel on asphalt….. something previously unseen in India when construction was ongoing.

The Lorries and buses attempted to cut Tiger up, pollute him with their black thick heavy smoke and to deafen him with their ridiculous horn blowing- all for the last time!! As Tiger pulled into the Orchid Lake Hotel, with Na and Dickie dressed in their hunting gear, there was much elation at never having to ride Tiger on the Indian roads ever again.

Frustratingly, there was no welcoming committee, there were no rooms at the hotel, there were no refreshments, there was no Matt (‘organiser’). The furballs were reunited in a frustrated furry group; the others arriving the previous evening. The organisation by the adventurists had stopped at arranging the location, all the rooms at the hotel had not actually been secured as we’d expected. So back on the road, we would stay 20km away in Shillong.

In Shillong, the furballers rested and stripped their Rickshaws, the males fashioned their beards so they looked like total cocks, and all adorned their Sunday best for what was planned to be the final trip in a Rickshaw.

The furballers almost missed the final party. Charlie driving Chav almost ran over 3 people whilst driving like a Chav in Shillong, and almost drove fellow rickshaws off the road and into oncoming traffic. Despite Charlies idiocy in town and then driving like Miss Daisy on the open road, all eventually made it safely back to the finish party.

The final party saw the Furballers given the Best Pimping award for their furry efforts. The spokesman (arrogance weighted) was Dickie who took the last shred of dignity from Na in front of the crowd when describing how he was very happy that she was back with us after her deluge of diarrhoea. The man who shouted Monkey at Craig continually the night before got the Golden Monkey prize, ie the biggest muppet.

‘Too Posh to Push” won the prize for arriving 1st. The team consisted of a woman on the wrong side of middle age and her teammate who it turned out was bullied the entire length of India. The Nasty woman who was totally pissed for the prizegiving smashed her trophy on the floor and continued to try to take the microphone so she could address the stunned crowd. She was making a documentary for the BBC, and behaved like a little rich attention seeking teenager, it was quite unbelievable.

The furballs headed back to Shillong via cab with gin and curry lining their bellies. Charlie and Cate would follow later.

Shillong-home: A leisurely morning. Cat Smallies birthday!! The Birthday crew (Paddy, Cat, Gareth and Craig) hired a driver and headed out to explore Shillongs caves and waterfalls with the extra day they had in India. Cat felt especially pleased as her tummy was settled for the first time in a week- Happy Birthday!!! The twins however were not so blessed.

The remaining furballers were all packed up; there was time for one last bit of jackness by Team Chav. Unbeknownst to the inebriated Cate, they had driven someone’s Rickshaw 20km back from the party the previous night rather than get a cab; the police had attempted to stop them but luckily Charlie just drove on.

As Charlie was still pissed in the morning, this meant Dickie had to drive the Rickshaw back to the Orchid Lake Hotel before we could leave. Yet another dice with India’s roads. Cheers Charlie.